From an Alternative Therapy, Holistic Psychology Point of View

Love Relationship Advice That Empowers You and Makes Sense

Love Relationship Question

My boyfriend hates my mother even though I have tried to convince him that she doesn’t hate him. How do I deal with the depression surrounding this type of situation? Words of anger have been exchanged already. I should add that he is 38 and I am 28.

Love Relationship Advice Answer

This is a great question and presents a real conflict.

First let me say, everyone, even your boyfriend, is just like our mother and father.

From the moment of birth (even in the womb) we absorb, like amoeba’s our environment.

This means whatever was around us is now inside of us. Any anxiety, depression and judgment that was or is in your environment is highly contagious and is now inside of you.

For example, your mother’s anxiety is now in the lining of your stomach and in your brain cells. (Thank goodness, we also absorb the good stuff!!)

This means, whatever aspects of your mother your boyfriend hates, he will also hate them in you. It is a given you are like your mother, as he is like his mother. None of us can escape physical reality, emotional reality or learning.

Your boyfriend obviously has a lot of judgments and a great deal of trouble loving others as they are. This not an usual problem for humans. We all have the judgment plague!

Since no one is perfect I always suggest you work on improving your relationship, rather than leaving the relationship. You will probably get in the same hot water with someone else if you do not improve your self esteem right now.

Relationships that help us grow are the healthiest ones of all. Your love relationship with him is certainly going to help you grow!

So your goal is to be yourself, love yourself and your mother. Do not let his judgment depress you.

Once your power is present in the relationship you may find his impression of your mother changes. Probably everything will change for the better.

Your depression needs to be dealt with directly; see my answer on depression. Depression is heavy energy, which is the natural result of blocking your feelings and not facing your own self judgments.

The angry words you have spoken to each other are probably defensive words. This means you have not gotten down to the bottom of what is really going on. Most arguments are superficial surface issues rather than the bottom line issues.

Your defensive image has been relating to his defensive image. You want to get past both of your defenses to your real feelings. If you do not know what your real feelings are study and work with “Opening the Heart. ” The ebook or audio show you how to find your authentic feelings and emotions.

Perhaps you have a history of being rejected? Do you feel hurt or scared? These would be the feelings I would suspect to be in your body, psyche and memory. Hurt or fear would be the feelings you need to express to your boyfriend.

What are your boyfriend’s feelings underneath his judgments? Probably fear of getting too close or dependent on you would be my guess. 

You need to listen to your boyfriend’s judgments if he can express them to you without attacking you. They might help you be more sensitive to yourself. In other words if you are seeing your mother through rose colored glasses, his judgments can help you see your mother more clearly as a human being with her own faults, like everyone else.

Relationships help you deal with painful emotional issues you have been avoiding. Perhaps you have denied and repressed your own feelings. The things your boyfriend doesn’t like about your mother may be things that have hurt you but you are currently unconscious of them–thus your depression.

When you feel your real hurt you will no longer have depressed energy. Depression is a numbness, not a real feeling. Depression is a lack of feeling.

I am not encouraging judgments, but they are a reality you cannot avoid. You must face and deal with them in order to improve your self esteem.

I encourage you to get rid of your self judgments as fast as you can. And to stand up and tame the monsters in other people.

Never avoid anything in a love relationship. When you face judgments in a love relationship you become stronger. If you avoid judgment, you become weaker and depressed

If you stop avoiding the conflict and bring it out in the open, you will be in a position of strength in the relationship.

If your boy friend really loves you, stay. On the other hand leave if he does not continue to improve his ability to love you and your mother.

When you know what you feel and accept yourself, you will be happy and healthy no matter what!

This self confident place is where you want to be in all love relationships.

Develop your self esteem like your life depends on it. Because it does.

Love,

Doris Jeanette