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Dr. Jeanette, Licensed Psychologist, Alternative Therapy Approach

Sexual Health Question

I am a 50-year-old woman who is finding it more difficult to reach orgasm with my partner. What do you advise? Minnie Pause

Sexual Health Answer

Nice sense of humor. Our sex organs respond positively if we use them frequently, but without proper use they dry up and become old. So I would surmise that you have not taken full advantage of your body and the pleasure it can give you. What you are experiencing is probably the result of years of neglect.

As we mature it may take longer to become orgasmic and lubricated–but this provides opportunities for MORE pleasure, not less. The longer desire builds up, the more energy you will have. Start to appreciate what your desires can do for your health and vitality. Give them your priority. Do not judge yourself for being where you are–think of all the fun you can have now.

Don’t even think about orgasm, as that is sure to inhibit you. Focus on desire and pleasure. The trick is to always keep the pleasure at a higher level than the anxiety. This is true in any area of your life. Using this one bit of information can transform many fears into desires.

You may have learned to inhibit the letting go process by tightening up your muscles when you have an orgasm. Many people have learned to control their sexuality in this way–as if to sneak it by the Judge. This may be why you are having more difficulty with orgasms as you age. Obviously, restricting the energy flow through the body greatly reduces pleasure and expansion. So you need to learn to relax your body to fully enjoy an explosion. Many people also limit their attention to their genitals. Let yourself begin to have a total body orgasm. Use your breath, awareness and feelings to help you move beyond the autonomic fight/flight response into a conscious letting go. There are many approaches to breathing and relaxing–use any that work for you.

You need to get out of your head (thoughts) into your body (feelings), and then the natural passion inside of you will have a chance to ignite. There is plenty of it inside of you, it has just been depressed or inhibited. The more you can build your desire and let the energy leak into the rest of your life the more vibrant and happy you will be. Know that sex is the way to the Divine. You can let this energy take you as high as the sky and experience cosmic orgasms.

Healthy, sexual feelings are the best way to stay grounded and centered in your life. Louise Hay recommends masturbating for migraine headaches, which makes a lot of sense. It would release the blocked energy that is contracting the blood vessels at the back of the head. All of our creative, vital energy begins in our gonads. So it is extremely important to keep this part of you aroused and alive. It does not need to be shared with someone else, but it is does need to be experienced by you.

By the way, the emotions that are in the way such as shame, guilt, humiliation and embarrassment must be experienced and allowed to come out of your body. They are probably what have always inhibited you from really letting go in the first place. We come from a long line of massive sexual repression. Undoing this sexual control begins with releasing your own judgments about your body and your feelings.

Sex is a great joy and delight. Your sexuality belongs to you and you alone. Your desire, passion and body do not belong to your partner or to society. It is the most powerful instrument you have in which to feel good about yourself and to be a powerful person.

Get Comfortable With Yourself

If you do not like to touch your own body, why should someone else want to touch it? So get comfortable with yourself in the shower, bath and bed. Enjoy touching yourself. Be patient with yourself as you release the judgments of parents and society that are stuck in your psyche–it will take time.

The other factor that may be at work here is intimacy. If you are allowing another person closer to you than you ever have before, then your fears will definitely surface. Mechanical sex keeps away our fears as well as love. So congratulations! You may be allowing love from your partner to affect you–trust it. It will be good for you.

Of course as we age, we get wiser and slow down so we can savor our experience more. Aging sexually is like a fine wine–enjoy every single drop–slowly. Sex is a direct path to Spirit. Fill your body with as much energy as you can–let divine pleasure be your guide. A healthy sex life is the most important thing you can do for your health and happiness.